Munich, Germany: 7/11/2010, approx. 4:10 PM.
I claim my territory on a slightly too small, black leather couch at the Euro Youth Hostel internet lounge. A tragic trampoline accident, which involved my tailbone and a metal bar colliding, hindered my taking part in the second bike tour this weekend. As I sprawled out on the mini couch trying to find a position comfortable enough to stay in for five minutes, I heard an exotic accent travel across the room. Among the old dell computers lining the walls, a group of young Asian girls chattering ferociously, and tourists popping in and out for coffee or tea, I spotted the culprit of this intriguing voice.
There, thirty degrees to my left, sat a beautifully tanned and blonde Aussie. I deciphered his origin quickly by eavesdropping on his conversation with his “mate” as they checked flights for their next destination. Eventually I let my curiosity get the best of me and introduced myself, then asked them where they were traveling to. In this quick encounter they rambled about their three month journey across the world, ending with “You Americans don’t get enough holiday!” And you know what? I completely agree.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteNice job turning a small scene into a universal tale! Very well done.
My only suggestions:
1. Keep your verb tenses the same. You start out in present tense ("I claim my territory) but then switch into past tense ("As I sprawled out on the mini couch").
2. Avoid "overwriting." That can be described as too much repetition or reinforcement of a concept, as is your description of where the Aussie is sitting. Here, you could easily trim "the culprit of this," leaving it as "I spotted this intriguing voice." Also trim "thirty degrees to my left". That will tighten up your writing to focus on what is key.
But overall, you nailed this one.